I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
