my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
