I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Welp...herpes.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
