so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
