apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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