birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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