Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
