I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
