you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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