I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
