Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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