Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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