did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
