there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
