Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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