Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
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is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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