the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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