Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
