I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
