Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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