i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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