This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
