I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
