If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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