I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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