He had one of those small greek statue penises
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
