the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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