She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
