So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
