just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
be right there i have to get my cape
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
