I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
