I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
