did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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