the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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