god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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