dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wish there were birth control emojis
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
