You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
