did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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