If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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