Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
