Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
