ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
