And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
