I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
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Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize