i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
