two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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