id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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