Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
