you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
