There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
