Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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