I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
