I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
