By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
