I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
